52. Building a Deeply Connected Community with Kelli Manzano
How do we create deeply connected communities?
In this conversation, Kelli Manzano joins India to dig into why we have a need for social connection and how that’s hardwired into our brains. They’ll discuss how risk is related to connection, why online connections are more challenging than in-person ones, and the dynamics around why and when people respond to good news versus please for help or support in online communities and memberships.
You’ll hear tips for connecting in person and getting outside of your comfort zone as things are opening up more in the world.
And they dig into something that’s been on the radar for a lot of us: emotional burnout.
In this discussion:
Why social rejection can engender intense fear
Why social media can leave us feeling so isolated
Why it’s harder to engage your empathy online
Tangible steps to create and maintain safe, connected communities
Meet Kelli
Since childhood, Kelli Manzano has loved connecting with people and hearing their life stories. As an adult, she holds a master’s in social work and is a licensed clinician in private practice. Kelli is also an imperfect ally, who works to support people who identify as being part of underrepresented and underserved communities. She seeks to help people evolve into becoming the best versions of themselves, which means growing, connecting and healing through trauma, heartbreak and hard times. Kelli and her work truly embody the call to action of “let’s grow into our power together.”
Burning out on social media
The constantly shifting algorithms and lack of transparency are inspiring some people to create their own alternative communities so they aren’t as tied to social networking platforms and can foster deeper connections and real communities.
In this episode, Kelli offers a therapist’s lens and perspective to creating those deeply connected communities.
How social connection is intertwined with survival
Kelli explains that, “Primally, we’re wired for connection. From an evolutionary standpoint, our survival depends on it. Whether we can get the resources we need to, to survive, to eat, to live, to grow, depends on our social connections.”
The discomfort and disappointments around our modern social interactions may not be as directly related to our survival, but they inspire the same kind of intense fear because our brains still interpret lack of connection as a “direct threat to our survival. Our brain doesn’t separate the two.”
India notes that social media has created the illusion that we are closely connected but “despite how much access we have and how many followers we have, or how many numbers show up in our likes or our comments, we still somehow can feel really disconnected.”
She asks Kelli, “from your perspective, what leads to disconnection?
“We struggle to feel that a connection is really genuine if there isn’t some level of risk.”
There is risk in being vulnerable when, for example, we introduce ourselves to someone we don’t know. Kelli says, “A connection feels really genuine when we have skin in the game and we accept that risk…to have a meaningful connection with someone else.”
The challenge with making connections online is that the level of vulnerability isn’t the same. We can ghost someone, disappear, unsubscribe, leave them on read.
At the same time, we feel all of the isolation, fear, and rejection, Kelli notes, “and we don’t feel the positives of a genuine connection.”
As the conversation shifts toward discussing private online communities, specifically, India notes a tendency she’s seen for posts that are either very celebratory or asking for help not getting as much engagement as posts that fall somewhere in the middle.
The challenge of technology and connecting emotionally
Kelli explains that when we are communicating in person, our brains engage with nonverbal cues from the other person, and mirror neurons in our brain cause us to reflect those feelings. “Over technology, we can’t mirror and truly, really engage in somebody’s emotional experience.”
Burn-out in spaces that are more heart-centric
“Burnout happens when you don’t get fueled,” Kelli says. Person-to-person interactions charge our emotional batteries, and the closer to in-person the better. Kelli suggests a video call over a phone call when possible, for example. But if you are always the one doling out empathy or reaching out emotionally, those kinds of interactions can also lead to emotional burnout.
Some tangible things to do as a group leader to facilitate more connected communication
“Make it personal, make it engaging, get offline.”
If you’re not able to meet in-person, try to choose a more engaging medium like video or voice instead of a text message. “It doesn't have to be way outside of your comfort zone.”
India also recommends using services like Loom when you need to show someone how to do something technical, as well as taking advantage of live or video options on social media to connect with your communities there.
Safe space as the foundation for a connected community
Kelli says that a major part of creating an emotionally safe space is acknowledging “that mistakes are...a vital part of the process of growth and furthering potential.”
In her practice, Kelli creates a safe space for her clients by having dignity and respect without judgment at the foundation, which creates the emotional safety to have deep conversations.
Keeping your space safe when you get trolls, nasty comments or when someone unsafe gets by your screening process
Kelli notes that while the specific process for addressing safety will vary depending on the individual and their relationship to you, “more often than not the more common and more insidious things that undermine safe spaces are from well-meaning people that just don't understand why those things might not be okay. And those are the conversations that we're invested in having to foster connection.”
Managing a bad actor in a private group setting
While there is very real fear about the impact on your business of enforcing community standards, Kelli recommends being upfront and transparent about exactly what those community standards are and what the consequences of violating them are. Most importantly, “there is no question you have to follow through with it, or your boundary will not be respected.”
India says this is also why leaders need a support system, “because having to make the difficult decisions of removing people from your community, adding people to your community and what criteria you have for that, it's no easy task.”
Kelli agrees that “we need to have a place where we can put that vulnerability and know that we're seen and heard and even validated.”
One action that leaders and influencers can take to step into a more deeply connected community
Connect with one person from your network whom you really admire or want to get to know better and share with them what you admire about them, something you want to learn to do better, share one vulnerable thing.
“With vulnerability, somebody always has to move first. Somebody has to make the first move. It's a game of emotional chicken. Somebody has to go out on the ledge and make that connection.”
Flaunt the fire that burns within
“I feel most fired up and like I get to show that and really strut my stuff when I'm interacting with other women that are in the same place as me, they're willing to put themselves out there to grow and be better and do better. And they're generous with their time and their attention in that they want that for you. They can be happy for your success because they're that emotionally generous. And so connecting with others, letting yourself be seen and really see others, that is what makes I think a total Flaunt My Fire moment.”
Connect with Kelli Manzano
YOUR ACTIONS FOR THIS EPISODE
Identify your core values, then move your business, brand, and life into true alignment with those beliefs! From Implicit To Explicit: Leading Through Your Values is your opportunity to receive expert real-time guidance from India Jackson and Erica Courdae.
In this small-cohort masterclass, you’ll establish a foundation from which to lead, attracting the team members, clients, and partners who support your vision for the future. Two sessions remaining in 2021: Thursday, September 16 and Thursday, October 13
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