83. Plastic Off the Sofa: Modeling New Narratives of Self-Presentation
Influence and Behavior Modeling
Are you more comfortable calling yourself a content creator rather than an influencer?
The word “influencer” has developed something of a negative connotation, but at its core, to be an influencer simply means being someone who is influential to others. If we model actions and behaviors that reflect our values, we can have a positive influence on those who witness us.
Erica Courdae and India dig into being a positive influence and how behavior modeling has been showing up in their lives and decision-making recently.
Listen on your favorite podcast player or keep reading to learn:
How bDefining what behavior modeling means for India and Erica right now
How Erica has modeled confidence and making any day an occasion
Why India has been giving herself freedom to experiment with her hair and how she shows up
How to rethink using what you already have to live your life out loud
Showcasing Your Values Through Your Actions
On the Flaunt Your Fire® podcast, India Jackson (she/her) says that she and Erica Courdae (she/her) have discussed behavior modeling a lot and that for her, it’s been on her radar to consciously embody behavior modeling and to bring awareness to her actions so that she doesn’t model behavior she wouldn’t want to have replicated.
“We both believe that behavior modeling can showcase your values literally through your actions.”
One way that Erica and India have committed to behavior modeling is by setting the stage for discussion by defining terms. India asks Erica for her definition of behavior modeling.
Erica prefaces her definition by saying that this is what is true for her at the moment, but she is always open to learning and expanding.
She defines behavior modeling as “demonstrating a desired action or a mindset or a concept or a way of being that I seek to have others adopt in large or small ways…It’s really being open to thinking or feeling or doing something that you hope someone else is willing and able and capable of being influenced by.”
Modeling Confidence
Erica says that a recent example in her personal life has been in how she’s approaching her wardrobe as the weather gets warmer in Baltimore.
While she usually gravitates toward layers, spring and summer weather makes that uncomfortable.
As a self-described “curvy girl,” she can be “very hesitant about wearing certain things,” and she received a lot of messaging as a kid about wearing “nice” clothes without an occasion for doing so.
“Combine any feelings about how I am supposed to cover up a curvy body, along with what is appropriate to wear on a regular day, I’ve been really questioning that.”
On a recent day as she was getting ready to take her kids to school, Erica decided to wear a dress that she had worn to a wedding once that had been sitting in her closet ever since. She thought that if she didn’t like it as much as she had thought or it wasn’t comfortable, she would at least know it was time to donate it.
“But, I’m gonna wear it in a way that it feels good to me.” So she paired the “dressy dress” with a pair of Converse and was happy with the way she looked and how she felt in the outfit.
By the time she got back home from dropping off the kids and running errands, her daughter, a school staff member, and a stranger at the grocery store had complimented her outfit.
“I started by feeling good in my own skin and I complimented myself and I did it in a way that worked for me. I wore my personality on the outside, and I felt good…I got to feel the sun on my skin and to have a moment as a curvy Black woman. At forty-three years of age, to feel more comfortable and confident wearing something than I would have ten years ago felt like a fucking win.”
Experimentation and Play in Self-Expression
India compares Erica’s choice to wear the “dressy” dress to taking the plastic off the sofa.
For anyone not familiar with this piece of Black culture, India describes the way that in a lot of older Black people’s homes, there will be a formal living room that is primarily for show, with a beautiful sofa covered in plastic to protect it.
For Erica, going into her closet and deciding that a regular day was enough of an occasion to wear the special dress was like taking the plastic off the sofa and actually using it.
Erica agrees and says, “I got up, I have all my faculties, I am beautiful, I am upright, I am joyous. That is a special occasion.”
India says it’s also modeling wearing what you already have rather than reviewing what’s in your closet and feeling like you need something new.
Erica says she’s been trying to find more dresses because she does want to wear them more as the weather warms up, but she had to remind herself that she had dresses already. “I’m out here looking for stuff and I already have stuff.”
India says that Erica’s story brings to mind her own decision to stop straightening her hair, “because what does that tell people that look like me about their hair,” and how that decision has evolved into using her hair as a means of creative self-expression.
“It went from, I’m not going to do this, to actually, I’m gonna honor who I am and I’m somebody who loves to experiment. I love to play. I love to explore…Reminding myself that I have the freedom to play.”
Some days that might mean straightening her hair, not because it’s what white supremacy culture deems professional, but because she felt like it. At other times, she’s had fiery red braids, cornrows, faux locs, and more.
Erica adds, “And all of it looks good because you feel good in it. And that’s what makes the difference when you are choosing how you want to package-ify and present yourself to the world.”
And India says it’s really a part of showing her personality and where she is at the moment. Her fiery red braids reflect that right now, “I feel like showing up a little bit more. I feel like being more vocal and this hair seems to be matching where I’m at right now.”
Erica says that it’s important to remember that you’re modeling where you are right now, and you can give yourself permission and space to evolve.
“What is any of this if it’s not all for play and experimentation? Stop playing small, waiting to play big.”
Utilizing What You Already Have to Live Out Loud
India says that when we experiment with our appearance and let our personalities show, that behavior modeling can be influential to others “to go let their personality be lived on the outside, to break out the thing that makes them feel confident, but maybe they didn’t have an occasion to wear it for.”
Erica notes that the impulse to go out and purchase new things to reflect your personality is often not because you don’t already have them, but because you’ve literally or metaphorically packed those things away.
“You have ignored what is there because you think it’s not good enough, you’re not good enough for it, or this is not the appropriate time or place or setting for it…[Pause] to actually pay attention to what you have to ask, the true question, ‘have I utilized you properly to live out loud?’ That needs to come first.”
India jokes about getting out lingerie and her clear heels from her bodybuilding days and Erica notes that sexuality is also something that too often gets compartmentalized and policed.
She continues, “Nobody gets to police your body and what you do with it and when and how, unless you give up your power. And we’ve all had times where we may have purposely or unintentionally given away our power, but we have the permission to reclaim it and that is a powerful act of behavior modeling.”
As a final though, Erica encourages everyone to revisit an article of clothing, a hairstyle, a makeup item, or even a scent that you gave yourself a story about.
“I want you to take off that story, put it on the shelf next to you…and then I want you to actually try it on and see how you feel and examine whether or not that story feels like the old one, so you can decide how you want to rewrite the story going forward.”
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